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Bikini Baristas File Federal Lawsuit Against City Of Everett
Read the raw, sordid
untold back-story right here

September 12, 2017

Police undercover photo shows bikini barista babe in Everett in 2013 lowering her top to let a customer get a good look at what's up topside. CLICK TO ENLARGE.
Editor's Note 9/13/17 at 4:26 pm: It has come to our attention that so many of you fine folks (decent, church going folks all, we're sure) have flooded our website to read this particular story, that our internal computer servers have almost shut down twice with excessive heat brought on by huge overloads of web traffic just for this one story.

This behavior will not be tolerated. You will need to talk amongst yourselves and decide who can come in on what days and at what hours (self-correcting behavior) to read this story, in order to protect our expensive equipment.

Should you fail to take this necessary, voluntary step to curb inappropriate and irresponsible behavior, management will be forced to take corrective measures.

And you won't like those one bit. So please don't make us get up off this couch and open up a can of you-know-what. Thank you for your attention to this matter. Have a nice day.

By Rex D. Cain
Chronicle news & opinion

(EVERETT, WA.) -- Let's face facts, shall we? You know darned well that other newspapers, websites, news apps and TV news shows lie to you left and right and print fake news all day long.

They are scoundrels of the highest order.

In contrast the Sky Valley Chronicle, a beacon of pure, angelic light in a dark and diseased media landscape always tells you the truth.

That is why so many of our fine readers give a good workout every day of every week to our DONATE graphic (top right-hand corner of this page) to express their deep, deep appreciation for the fine (and godly) journalistic work we do.

Just think of us as the Joel Osteen of the reporting world only without the $10 million house and perfect TV smile.

And so it is now that we again lead with the truth and nothing but the truth.

The deep truth (not deep state)

This is ratings "sweeps" week for newspapers like ours and there are two facts associated with that: (1) We gotta have the numbers to drive the numbers, if you know what we mean in crass, commercial sales-speak and (2) every time we do one of these dumb bikini barista stories, our numbers go straight through the roof. It's freaking amazing.

The readership numbers are so huge with these stories it's like having a UFO story and one about say, Texas lawmaker Ted Cruz surfing the Internet on his phone for porn all in one report.

It's manna from heaven. Money in the bank Hank.

Every time we do a bikini barista story, by God baby gets a new pair of shoes and a trip to Las Vegas. For some reason people just can't get enough of reading about half naked babes in tiny wooden huts slingin' java and...uh...a few other things as well.

In fact, here's some headlines from our past, huge "Bikini Barista Greatest Hits" stories:

"No more pasties for you Bikini Barista" (Feb 2014)

"Cops say Grab-N-Go had too much show: baristas busted at Everett coffee stand" (Feb 2013) [This was one of our personal favorites. We're workin' on a Hip Hop song that's a spin-off of the title. Gonna be huge]

"They were selling WHAT with that coffee? Buxom Baristas Busted For Bad Behavior" (Sept. 2009)

Basketball underpants (Or, "Look ma! No Hands!)

In that story above from Sept. 2009 police detectives in lovely Everett, Washington began posing as customers at some Bikini Barista stands and found such things going on as:

~ Charging men to play basketball with their underpants used as a net. (Actually, we thought that was pretty creative) The cops say customers would throw waded up bills at the women, who then caught the money in their underpants. Charging documents do not specify which barista was the best basketball player among the group or if she was involved in any league play.

~ A barista telling one detective that for $20 she and the other barista working at that hour would make it Showtime for him. He ponyed up the dough and it was indeed Showtime. The women bared breasts and dropped drawers. Charging papers did not state if this act also had a sports name like basketball or if it was more of a jazz improvisation type thing.

And so forth and so on. Which brings us to now.

The lawsuit

A group of local bikini baristas filed a federal lawsuit Monday against the city of Everett. The women allege that two new ordinances that ban bare skin at espresso stands (but not Neo-Nazis or KKK guys from marching down freaking Main street at high noon singing "Jews you won't defeat us!") violate their constitutional right to, you know, flash some skin now and then.

The Everett City Council passed the new rules last month. In a nation and world that is coming apart at the seams, people starving everywhere, with the middle class in this country dead, dope everywhere, people dying of opioid overdoses every day and with Kim Jong Stupid in North Korea set to nuke us all until we glow, the Everett city council found the skin thing to be really, really important.

Now you know why Donald Trump got elected.

At any rate the new rules require a "dress code" for what the city calls "quick service restaurants,” and that includes barista stands. Workers gotta have at least a tank top and shorts on.

Well, jeeeez. If that don't take the fun out of Disneyland for snake-eyed drooling men we dunno what does. Another ordinance makes it a misdemeanor for coffee stand owners to facilitate "lewd conduct."

Lewd? Wait a minute. Neo-Nazis and KKK guys at high noon walkin' down the street armed to the teeth with AK-47's and slicked & tuned Colt 1911-A's with spare mags are OK but hot babes with body parts are not OK?

God almighty, there is something seriously wrong with this country.

At any rate, the women who filed the suit say the new rules violate their rights to free expression and their right to privacy AND that the ordinances discriminate specifically against women.

So now we come to the truth part again. We gotta speak truth, ya know?

Even though this fine publication has a horse in this race (the more bikini barista bust (pardon the pun) stories we do the bigger our readership ratings go, we still have to side with the women baristas on this one.

Hey, if we citizens have to put up with Neo-Nazis, KKK guys and Skinheads marching down the street armed and lookin' for a fight, then we should also have to put up with some skin shows now and then.

We rest our case your honor.



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