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Gold Bar Police Blotter For February
(Or the vandals took the handles)
March 08, 2017
Chronicle news & expert crime analysis
The colored crime charts. CLICK TO OPEN AND ENLARGE
By Rex D. Cain
(GOLD BAR, WA.) -- Crime and grime in the big city. Below are highlights from February police action in and around Gold Bar as issued jointly by the honorable Snohomish County Sheriff Ty Trenary and the equally honorable Gold Bar Mayor Lee Hodo.
Vehicle thefts are down: This is a good thing. The sheriff's office recent emphasis and arrests for vehicle theft, "Has left an impression on some of our usual suspects while others remain in jail," according to the sheriff's office statement.
God but we love that line. Wish we had thought of it first.
Memo to sheriff's office: please stop being so creative. This is what we get paid to do. We are, after all, media professionals...albeit of the kind that is the enemy of the public and in league with Satan, per recently brilliant statement in that regard by fearless leader better known as Captain Hairspray and/or Dee presidente' elect Der fuhrer da Donald.
Look, you guys get paid to get shot at, we get paid to sit in a warm office and write. We would think you'd have more respect for the difficult job we have to do. Thank you for your attention to this matter.
"We had zero vehicle thefts reported in the Gold Bar Region this February," continues the statement. Good stuff.
So from here on out we want you extreme right wing crazies to shut up about how bad government is and how guvmn't is always the problem. The coppers IS the government you morons and look what a good job they're doing for you...you ungrateful louts.
You gonna call em' up and say "thanks for doing a great job" or go over there and give em' high fives and maybe slip a couple of double sawbucks into their pockets as a token of your appreciation? We doubt it bro.
Your specialty is perpetual bitching and moaning about the evil guvmn't which, ironically, is what all the left wing crazies used to do in the 1960's and 70's. Damn but things never change.
But we digress.
The East Precinct has welcomed two fine new sergeants. Former Gold Bar Deputies Jeff Ross and Terry Haldeman were recently promoted to Sergeant and have taken over supervision for the first half of the week for the East Precinct with Haldeman working days and Ross working nights.
"Their knowledge of the habits and M.O. of crooks in the Gold Bar region will be a great benefit to us out here," says the cop shop statement.
Amen to that bro. We with you all the way.
Deputies from the Gold Bar Region and East Precinct responded to a report of a disturbance with possible weapons involved up where all the Indexians live (Index).
"Once sufficient resources were on-scene to address the type of incident reported, deputies moved in to develop further intelligence and quickly determined the report was inaccurate," says the sheriff's office.
"The subjects at the location were contacted and the entire incident was determined to be innocuous and no crime had been committed. The reporting party was notified of the determination and all units cleared."
Lucky for the dudes inside that house the whole thing was determined to be "innocuous" or they'd a been doin' the funky chicken in short order.
Now to our favorite part of Police Blotter, the colored charts. The tables and charts (above right) compare "incident types of service as reported for the Gold Bar Regional contract."
In any event, the charts are really fun to look at and you should do so mindful as always of keeping your hands to yourselves.
And remember kids, crime does not pay. So mind yer P's & Q's and stay on that righteous path. Go to church. Or synagogue or mosque or...whatever.
As long as it's not a devil worshiping cult.
Carry on dudes.