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Tales From Trumplandia
Chronicles Of The Donald, Vol. 1

January 25, 2017

Fearless leader, leading the charge.
Opinion by Rex D. Cain

(SEATTLE, WA.) -- Well kids, more weirdness from the weird White House. But before we go there let us say one important thing first.

This ain't gonna be more criticism of our great new President Donald Trump (better known as Der fuhrer da Donald to some) and our fine Republican controlled congress, laid down by some lying, scheming, snot-nosed, cry-baby commie pinko socialist bed-wetter liberal.

No sir. This right here has been pounded out on an American made 1972 IBM Selectric typewriter by a 100% real 'Merican gun-totin, church goin, God fearin' family man Boy Scout leader and Grand Wizard of the local Ku Klux Klan cell where I live here in the deep south.

Now, I know what you cry-baby northern liberals are gonna say about that but here's the truth.

The Klan has been maligned and lied about by the liberal news media forever. The Klan ain't nothin' more than a nice fraternal order, sorta like The Elks lodge.

Hell, there ain't been a Klan dude down here what strung anybody up from an oak tree or burned a cross on a lawn or done a bombing or shot anybody for, oh God...at least ten or twelve years or so.

But does the liberal news media ever tell you that? No! They just tell lie after lie about us.

Those punks will be sorry

Well those little pukes are gonna be real sorry when President Trump opens up those news reporter re-education camps in Idaho. They're gonna fire up the mothballed internment camps we used for all those Japanese Americans in WW2 and put them to good use (again).

Yeah, then we'll see how sassy those liberal news media skunkbags are when they get to see and feel the business end of a big electric cattle prod about four times a day (in all the right places, if you know what I mean).

A good ol' sparky-stick all charged up and used over a long enough period of time will set anybody's mind right. (Pardon the pun...you know, right? As in "Alt-Right"?)

Okay. On to the weird stuff.

Ya'all might have heard by now that our fearless Der fuhrer da Donald repeated on Monday Jan. 24th - to some really surprised Republicans and Democrats in Congress during a dinner at the White House - his weird, totally false claim that millions of undocumented immigrants voted for Hillary Clinton thereby depriving fearless leader of the popular vote, according to two sources familiar with the meeting.

Trump got creamed in the popular vote by Hillary Clinton by nearly 3 million votes. Anyway this whole thing about millions of people voting illegally in the last Presidential election has long been debunked by actual intelligent people. It is pure crapola. Ain't a shred of proof that ever happened, not even in an alternate universe.

And then to make matters worse, Trump's brown-nose, dumb-as-a-doorstop White House press secretary Sean Spicer (a smarmy little punk) on Tuesday sat there and babbled like an idiot on national tee-vee and couldn't provide any concrete evidence for the stupid claim (duh, because there ain't no evidence).

That's because he's a full blown moron and is just doin' what he's told to do so's he can take home a paycheck and have a hot shot job in the White House.

Sean would pinch off a loaf on national TV

Look, if his boss told him to go out there and take a huge dump on national TV, ol' Sean would turn on a dime into the Dump King of The Beltway. On cue he'd be droppin' rose petaled nuggets the size of bowling balls and with a smile on his face.

More to the point: of course both Trump and Spicer are lyin' through their teeth but so what? It don't matter a hill of beans.

We live in a world now where facts (sometimes called "alternate facts") don't matter no how. What matters is what you believe is a fact and what ya say is a fact. See?

And hell, what's a little ol' lie now and then in the pursuit of makin' America Great Again? Don't you northern liberal idiots get it yet that those of us real 'Mericans who voted for Trump don't care that he lies or that anybody in his administration lies?

Hell, that's what folks like me and all the folks who voted for the Donald want!

That's why we put him into office cause he was sayin' all the stuff we wanted him to say and he didn't need no proof cause he was a billionaire and he could do and say anything he wanted to and nobody could stop him (and the liberal news media were too scared to call him on that stuff) and because he's got that...what do they call it...narcissistic personality disorder and is a total sociopath to boot, nobody could ever shame him into ever saying he was sorry for spreadin' false information left and right.

What we wanted WAS the lies

And tellin' lies is what WE wanted in the first place! We want the President sayin' that stuff because it's stuff we wanna say but nobody will listen to us and the best part is if Trump says that stuff often enough, every bimbo between here and the California coast will start to believe it and the whole liberal world which is on its last legs anyway will die out once and for all and we'll have this great country all to ourselves!

You see, the Nazis figured out long ago that if you tell a big enough lie over and over with conviction and say it through "authoritative" channels and it is spoken by figures of authority, people begin to believe it must be true.

So there ain't nuthin' wrong with our great President Donald Trump and his White House staff tellin' lie after lie as long as it advances our cause which is great for America!

The Klan is back baby and we kickin' some ass.

Get it? We're gonna make America Great Again! Pretty soon we gonna be back to 1940's Jim Crow America and things are gonna be real sweet again for folks like me.

And if we gotta tell some lies to get there then by God so be it! Thank God that the end justifies the means in this great country of ours.

Well anyway, I was glad I was here to be able to re-educate you little commie pinko socialist bed wetters on how the government works now that we have a great President in the White House backed up by a great political party, the Republican party (better known these days as the White People's Supremacy Party).

Until next time kids, keep yer feet on the ground and keep reachin' for the stars!

And be sure and open a Klan cell in your neighborhood as soon as you can. Times a wastin' to do good in this great land of ours!




Tales from Trumplandia is produced by the Chronicle's Entertainment Division in Seattle's Sodo district. Mr. Cain's views are his own.

Tales is designed solely for reader entertainment in the hopes readers will stop spending so much time on porn web sites. (Porn sites will make you go blind and besides that they are the devil's handiwork)

Any relationship between any persons named in Tales From Trumplandia and any person living or dead or who perhaps is in the process of croaking or who perhaps should be croaking in order to thin out the herd a bit, is purely coincidental.

This fine and distinctive product of independent American journalism is fully sponsorable and available for syndication if you have the right amount of money. We don't drop our nickers for chump change pal. Be ready to dig deep to get ol' Rex's column in your newspaper. Thank you for stopping by.



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